What Constitutes a GOOD Divorce?

At least once a day, I find myself in the position where someone asks me if I'm married. My honest answer is "Getting divorced" and the reply is always the same, "Oh, I'm sorry". Like they are giving condolences on the death of my marriage. Why do people do that, look at me with either remorse or condemnation?

Look, divorce sucks. The fact that this divorce is happening, sucks. The night I asked for the divorce I tore apart my family, tore my little girl away from her daddy. I know that. This wasn't an easy decision, hell, it took years to come to this conclusion. Seven years actually. 7 long years of suffering to uphold my vows, struggeling with my spiritual beliefs regarding divorce, worrying about social stigmas and emotional damage to my daughter, second guessing who I was as a wife and thusly as a woman. That 50% divorce rate here in the states weighed heavily on my mind. I did not want to become a failure statistic. I didn't want to become a failure period!

But the fact of the matter is, sometimes divorce is a good thing. You hear expert after expert say "you have to work on your marraige". But what does that exactly mean? And who is it that is hearing the message? Well, to answer the latter, it's the wife that hears it mostly. These experts are on the Today show, The View, Oprah, etc and these shows are on while the husbands are at work and these shows are geared towards a largely woman oriented audience. And that was part of the problem in my marriage. I was the only one willing to work on our problems. My husband wanted to get up every morning, go to work, go get high and drunk with his band mates, come home to a hot meal and the TV and go to bed. He even used to say that since he was able to bring home 6 figures, what did I have to complain about.

Then, in the spring of 2001, everything came to a head. He was getting heavier into drugs, he was asked to leave marriage counseling by our therepist who also recommended I seek legal advise. I was mortified by his suggestion and never returned either. One day, I received a call from my sister in law who told me IT was happening again and I needed to get my husband to a psychiatrist. IT? Yeah, "IT" turned out to be bi-polar disorder that his family knew about but never told me and even tho he had been diagnosed with a mental disorder years before I met him, he was never treated. They knew about his self medicating (with drugs and alcohol) and his violent outbursts but figured as long as he was making good money and had not attacked me at that point, there was no reason to tell me. Hmmmm. Nice huh?

Ok, I thought, we now know for certain what one of the biggest problems is, so we can fix it......together (I'm forever the optomist). I was determined, but at the same time remaining realistic that this is a horrible disease we were up against and unless he wanted to get better, he never would, I couldn't do that for him.

PS.....1 year later he was off his meds for months, drinking again and there was nothing I could do about it. Nothing for him at least. But there was something I could do for me and my daughter. We deserve better than living in a volatile atmosphere, constantly walking on egg shells, dealing with drugs and alcohol addiction. So I prayed real hard, talked to a friend who walked out on her alcoholic husband, gathered my strength and did it. Eighteen months later is when he first physically attacked me in a drug induced haze in front of our daughter the day after christmas.

So what constitutes a GOOD divorce? Oh yes, that was the original point (this was not just a good opportunity for me to bitch :smile. A GOOD divorce is when one spouse's health and well being and that of any children's is put into jeopardy. When one spouse chooses drugs and alcohol or any other addiction over their family. The statistics are mind boggeling, yes. But the reasons I just stated are the reasons why divorce was made into a legal option. Abuse of any kind, be it physical, emotional, or mental is wrong. No one should be forced or guilted into living with it. The way I see it, if you are with someone who abuses you in any way, you are not with the right person. And you sure as hell should not stay together because of the children, because if they see you being abused, they are being abused and no one wants their children to be abused. So maybe one day, someone will say to me, "Is it a good thing? Congratulations for doing what you need to do!"

...........Coming Soon: The War of The Roses

:coffeecupsmily:

 

My friend is going through a divorce and whenever anyone says this to her she replies, "Oh please don't feel sorry for me! I'm happier than I've ever been! I should have left him years ago!"

I'm not sure there is such a thing as a good divorce and IF there is, it's probably very rare. I remember my therapist (couples therapy) telling me that she counseled a couple through their divorce and they were incredibly kind to each other. She said that in all her years of practice, this was the only couple like this that she came across.

Several people have asked me why I stay in a marriage with a man that I no longer love. It's so complicated to explain and I guess when the day comes that it's black and white, I will finally leave.

There is basically one reason I am here and it's probably the same for many others in my situation. I no longer love him and want to be with him, but our children do. So I guess I am biding my time until they are a little older.

I don't think there is a cookie cutter resolution for everyone. Every situation is different. One thing that I do feel is important to say is that if anyone is being abused in any form.....emotionally or physically.....they NEED to take the appropriate action to end the abuse. No one should ever be subjected to abuse.

You and your wonderful daughter will get through this, Teg. I know it's not easy and that things can feel unbearable at times, but you have friends who love you, care about you and are here to support you.

love and hugs.....

 

What I meant by "good divorce" was divorce with a reason, a good reason, ie: abuse. There are amicable divorces, I've come across them often in work. It amazes me sometimes. And I have to wonder, if these 2 people could work out the settlement so easily, how come they couldn't work out their marriatal problems? But I never know the whole story, so I have to believe they have their reasons. A couple of years ago, Ireland finally gave couples the right to divorce. It was always illegal there regardless of the circumstances, probably stemmed from the Catholic Church teachings. But there are so many woman (and men) who stay in marriages and suffer abuse because they are not being beat. We (as a society) tend to associate abuse with something tangible, but it's not.

I think the question we have to ask ourselves when this happens is "What happened in the relationship to kill the love?" A marriage is usually on the rocks long before the love is gone.

Ironically, since I wrote this, no one has asked me my marritial status until last night. When I told her almost divorce she looked at me and said "Congratulations?" I said "Of course" and we both laughed our heads off!

 

Oh I'm with ya GF! I can think of LOTS of good reasons for a divorce. In fact, I think marriages should have renewable contracts every so many years.

Wow! I didn't know that!

After marriage counseling, I realized that the relationship was unhealthy from the very beginning. We both came from dyfunctional families (I know....who's isn't?) and no idea how to relate to each other. Other circumstances also contributed.

Why is it SO easy to get married and SO difficult to get divorced? (rhet Q)

 

LOL, I know someone whose license plate says 5yrpln, they agree to re-evaluate every 5 years. Must be working because they are soon celebrating 25 years.

I think the truly difficult part is not the divorce, but the years prior trying to get both parties to work together on the marriage. It's usually one spouse that does all the work.

 

I loved that film <ROFL>.

 

PS: The answer is WHY?
(written by a Gemini)

 

:rose3: ROFL!

 

Good answer!

 

This sequence of notes constitutes the best reason I've seen yet for living together.

 

I'd do it again (marriage, not divorce LOL), but with the right person for the right reasons. And if that doesn't exist 100% in the relationship, than permanent single status it is!

 

My next time , I'm going to get warm gloves, a heavy jacket, and a really big furnace ! :bed: