Healthy Love Rules

Love Rules


Rule One

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Never allow your partner or yourself to denigrate (badmouth) the other.

You must have personal respect and consideration for yourself.

Everyone deserves respect and love, but you can't expect to get it unless you give it.

If you allow your partner to disparage you, expect to hear other damaging words.

Let them know what you will accept and what you will not.

Rule Two

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Never let a person use names or words to hurt or degrade you.

Never use names or words to hurt them.

"Sticks and Stones can break your bones, but names can really hurt you." -Unknown

Words are powerful, for they have the power to build or to destroy. And, you are the only one who can decide how you will use them. It's your choice.

Vow to use words to build, not destroy.

Vow to protect yourself from thoughtless, rude, mean or punishing behavior.

If destructive words are being used, for whatever the reason, it must Stop. If not, a relationship can't survive.

Sometimes we say mean things as a way of getting back at another for the harm we imagined or feel they have done to us.

Sometimes we do it as a way of protecting ourselves by creating distance, misdirection and avoidance of the true issues.

One of the goals of misbehavior is punishment or revenge. And whether we like it or not, we will at times (unless we pay attention and exert self-control) try to punish other people or our mate.

You must monitor and control your attack thoughts for you are the only one who is capable of controlling what comes out of your mouth.

You can't help what you think or feel, so don't deny what you think or what you want to say. Remind yourself that what you think and feel comes from reactive forces in the psyche or mind.

Once you've reacted you can then be proactive.

You become proactive when you choose a response that is a constructive or better way of handling things.

You become proactive when you recognize your reactions and make a conscious choice on how to meet the situation in an optimal way. Only you can enforce the limits on what you will or won't say.

A controlled mouth shows a controlled mind. Use words for empowerment, encouragement and positive recognition.

If a persons frequent remarks tends to make you feel bad about yourself, be careful.

Ask for respect. Quietly demand it. If your lover, partner, parent or friend can't exhibit self control over their mouth, seriously consider looking elsewhere for a relationship.

The only way you should stay in a relationship like such is if they enter into therapy for dealing with their destructive anger, rage or addictions.

Rule Three


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Pick an appropriate the time to discuss important issues. This is particularly true if there is an emotional charge where feelings of anger or vexation need to be vented.

Never enter into discussion of personal, private or intimate issues in public. Wait until you are home or in a more private place. And, when you are home, never enter into the discussion if a neighbor or children are present. Wait until you have privacy and the time to tackle issues.

If a person makes a mistake, or does something that disappoints or angers you, belittlement or badmouthing them in front of others will only lead to further resentment, anger and frustration. A healthy person feels bad enough about their error or faux pas without another bringing more attention to the matter.

Discussing things in the morning while getting ready for work, or getting the kids lunch together, dressed and out the door for school is being short sighted.

Discussing things just after a person comes home from work is asking for trouble.

Going to work, or calling the person at work to talk about things is unacceptable. Your partner won't feel the freedom to respond naturally or in an appropriate manner because other people at work may be watching or listening. Usually further anger or frustration is the results.

Trying to discuss things in bed just before sleep, or while getting ready for bed is simply thoughtless, inconsiderate and a remedy for disaster.

Discussing things in a moving vehicle is not an optimal time for discussion.

Trying to discuss anything when the other person won't cooperate or take the time to talk is a waste of time.

If necessary make a date to talk.

Say, "Honey we haven't had a lot of time to talk or be with each other. I need to talk to you about________. How about tomorrow when we go for our walk?

Add, "That will give us time to think about things and come up with some ideas or thoughts on the matter. I do want to know what you think about ______."

"When is a good time for you to talk?" is a particularly good line for the Ladies to use. Men hate anything of that sort hanging over their heads. Chances are he'll say, "How about now?"

If the person keeps on delaying or avoiding conversation or discussion on issues that are important or significant to you, you may need to put it in writing and place it in their hands. If forced to this tactic remember to keep the note brief. Be succinct, and keep it short and sweet.

People resent being forced to read what they feel is a 10 page tome of personal laments and grudges, Refrain from listing misdeeds from the very beginning of the relationship. Try to keep things focused on one issue. Ask for what you want, tell them what you need to do, and what you would like to see them do. Try to reach resolution or agreement on only this issue.

Be sure to say what you need to see for you to be o.k. about the relationship. Since you can't make a person change, you might as well give up that burden and let them do it.

Sometimes you may need to play "hit and run." You simply say what you've decided to do, or what you think and then go about your business. Simply say, "Since you have decided that you don't want to discuss _______, these are the choices that I've made for myself. Follow through on your words.

If there are a number of things to work on, it's sometimes wise to make initial progress on issues that aren't to high on your "change and growth list." Maybe something that is 4th or 5th down on your list.

Talking is good for closure of some issues. And, unless allowed, will create a wound that won't close.

Remember, some issues may never be resolved or be brought to closure. Hence the only thing to do is come to closure of things in your own way and on your own terms. Sometimes, death or separation takes closure opportunities away. If this is the case, you can only hope to make things o.k. from your side.

You can never truly waste your thoughts and words on the separated or departed. Life and thought continues. Have no doubt, their soul and spirit hears and knows your every thought and word. If it's between you being o.k. or them, who do you want to be all right?

Rule Four


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Romance doesn't just exist, you must make it happen. You must make a sincere effort to keep it alive to help your relationship flourish. Little things count, it doesn't have to be a dozen roses and champagne all the time. A favorite piece of candy in a pocket or a little note can mean a lot. A note of love with magic marker (delible) or lipstick on the mirror can be a great surprise. Romantic people take time to do little things that make their partner think and feel special. That's it.

Commit yourself to do something romantic every day. Show it. Demonstrate it. It's the accumulative total of all the little things that in end adds up to a super special love and romance.

Remember:

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"Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you'll have."

"Whatever you are willing to accept is exactly what you're going to get."

"Some people get taller by stepping on others."

"Some people get taller by cutting other people down."

We are all human and will make mistakes, all it really shows is that we're still learning to do things right.

Be compassionate, understanding, forgiving and merciful.

Patience, kindness, consideration and thoughtfulness can never be in short demand. It's what we and the world all need more of.