Why Still Single?

CAN'T understand why you're still single? Could it be that your fears, insecurities and defences are getting in the way? You're afraid to get close.

Do you panic at the thought of someone getting to know the real you? Are you convinced that if you reveal too much about yourself, they'd run?

The problem is you see yourself as flawed and unworthy of love, making personal relationships virtually impossible. Deep-seated feelings of unworthiness are usually the result of childhood trauma. Being emotionally abandoned by a parent can make you feel fatally flawed and unlovable.

So instead of getting involved, you avoid it, pouring your energy into being successful, or fleeting romances. Anything that will show the world you're okay and make up for how defective you feel.

No fear. Repeat after me ... "You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy." The message? You don't have to earn your worth. It's yours. Yes. You are as inherently valuable as the next person. And trying to earn your worth through appearances, achievements or your job is a waste of time and energy. That doesn't mean you should stop aiming for a better job or reaching your goals. The key is accepting yourself, irrespective of your imperfections. When you do, others will accept you, flaws and all.



You're afraid you'll be rejected

You're interested, but you never do anything about it because you're afraid of rejection. It could be your limiting self-beliefs - "He would never be interested in someone like me", or, "What if she dumps me? I'll be devastated" - are causing you to miss real opportunities to connect with other people.

Your insecurities and lack of confidence can cause you to project a false self, avoiding honest communication and exaggerating your achievements. The problem is you could be coming across as a phoney and turning off those you most want to impress.

No fear. Love who you are. When you're self-confident and feel good about yourself, it's easy to interact with others.

Not all encounters will turn out the way you'd planned, but not getting the result you want doesn't mean it was a waste of time. Don't make the mistake of thinking that just because someone knocked you back it means you're unlovable. Get the facts. There could be a simple explanation.



You're afraid you'll get hurt

When you're involved in an intimate relationship you're vulnerable. No one else has the capacity to love or hurt you as much as your partner.

If you're afraid of getting hurt, every time someone gets close to you, up go the defences. To avoid painful feelings, you start working ridiculously long hours, or you become aloof, or maybe you start a sexually charged relationship with someone else. Any distraction will do as long as you can distance yourself from the possibility of being hurt.

No fear. You don't need defences if you go into a relationship with your heart and your head. When you're getting to know someone, make sure you don't turn off your brain. Find out how this person feels about issues that are important to you. Do you share similar values? If there are obvious red lights, then forget it, no matter how attracted you are to them.



You're afraid of losing control

Your fear is of losing control when you fall in love. Past romances have ended because of your tendency to become obsessed. You become totally consumed by your love interest to the extent that rational thinking disappears, along with your personal boundaries and sense of self.

When you fall in love you lose friends, your work suffers and you suffocate your partner, driving love away.

No fear. Focus on developing a stronger sense of self. Without a clear self view it is easy to get absorbed into the life and identity of your lover, along with their feelings, values and beliefs, losing control of your life along the way.

Focus on developing your own life, including your own values, and make sure you maintain your interests when you meet someone.

Stay in control by sticking with the facts. The love-obsessed tend to fantasise. You may have only gone out with someone a few times, but in your mind you're already living happily ever after. If you find yourself fantasising, bring yourself back to the real world where facts determine the true state and direction of your relationships.


You're afraid you'll be exposed

When you're in an intimate relationship it's impossible to hide. Your dilemma is that you want to get involved, but you're afraid you'll be exposed as a fraud. You've built a facade, pretending to be more successful than you really are and exaggerating your achievements to impress and cover up your imperfections.

No fear. Take off the mask. Communicate your thoughts and feelings without trying to impress people. Focus on being comfortable with yourself, which includes acknowledging your imperfections rather than trying to deny them. Embrace your individuality and project an authentic person who may not be as successful as they'd like to be but who is comfortable with where they're at right now.


You're afraid of commitment

If you're afraid of commitment your relationships probably go something like this: you start each new relationship with high, but sadly unrealistic expectations. It doesn't take long before you feel trapped and suffocated by the thought of a long-term relationship and at that point you start searching for ways to end the relationship.

You're looking for the perfect partner, someone who will fill you up emotionally. Unfortunately, you're usually bitterly disappointed when each new lover fails to meet your unrealistic expectations.

No fear. Do a reality check. There is no such thing as the perfect partner or connection. For a relationship to develop, you need to develop tolerance and acceptance of all your partner's attitudes, opinions and imperfections.

You're not helpless in your relationship and you do have the power to define the kind of relationship you want. In any new relationship there will always be adjustments to make, but consider what you stand to gain by being in love. It might make you slow down before you run out the door.


You're afraid of failing

The last time you fell in love it was a disaster. She left you for her ex. You were devastated and only now, 12 months later, do you feel like your old self again. You'd like to meet someone again, but your fears of another failed relationship are causing you to avoid getting too close.

No fear. You could be suffering from a condition called learned helplessness. You're afraid to get involved because your past experiences of failure are now controlling your attitudes and behaviours. You need to get rid of your negative attitudes about failure. Learn to challenge negative thoughts such as "What if this fails and I'm left devastated?" Ditch the "what ifs". It's catastrophic thinking that's causing you to focus on worse-case scenarios. Remember: your fears will only dictate the future if you let them

Jennifer Garth, psychologist

found this on a website I frequent, she found it 'in western australian Sunday times ..my local sunday paper'

Trishee